Hey we’re on our series called family matters, so Mount Carmel Church let’s get our bibles out today and let’s open to Philippians 2. Family matters, because God loves family. Everything in the Kingdom of God is built on family and how many knows in our natural family situations, things don’t always go the way we would like them to. Everything’s not always ideal. Families have all kinds of issues and all kinds of dynamics to it, some things are great, some things are challenging.
3 Primary roles of the Household of God:
Last week we talked about the three primary roles of the household of God and how they impact our lives. We talked about the son or daughter role, we are all sons and daughters of God. This is our primary role in our relationship with God, Mount Carmel Church. This role is so important because our true identity comes from how we see ourselves as sons and daughters of God. How I see myself as a son has a huge impact on how I’m going to see myself and operate as a husband and as a father.
3 stages of the son/daughter role:
I gave you three stages: the baby stage, the child stage, and the adult stage. The son or daughter role was about dependency on God. The second role, the spouse roles was about deference and the third role, the parent role is about development. So today it’s about the spouse. What I’m sharing today is what God is speaking to us to make us better as men and women as spouses.
Today, we’re going to talk about the second role. So, let’s look at this here. The word deference means affected or ingratiating regard for another’s wishes. It means to defer to someone. It means humble or respectful submission to the judgement, opinion, or will of another. It’s about deferring to someone else. We need deference in our life. We need to be able to defer to one another. If we’re going to be successful in any relationship, we need to be able to defer. If we don’t get this right, then we’re going to struggle, because in our relationship with God, it’s the same. It’s not just relationship with people. Because in the Bible it talks about the believers, followers of Jesus, are called the bride of Christ. The church is called the bride of Christ.
So, Jesus is the bride groom and we’re the bride. Now, as a dude, it’s hard for me to think of myself as a bride. You don’t seem to have a white dress on and I’m like, man, Mount Carmel church, I’m not a woman. So, don’t worry, when we’re talking about being a bribe, it doesn’t mean we stop being a man, it’s talking about yielding, or submitting to him. We’re deferring to Jesus, were married to him. So as a man, I can defer to Jesus. I can submit my life to him because I know he covers me, He loves me, and he will take care of me. So, I can be a bride all day long and still be a man, in the right context.
Philippians 2:1/ 5 Characteristics of Jesus our Bridegroom:
So now let’s look at Philippians 2:1, This is Paul writing to the church in Philippi. Therefore, if there is any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the spirit, if any, affection and mercy fulfill my joy by being like-minded, having the same love, being of one accord, in one mind. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind let each esteem others better than himself or herself. Let each of you Mount Carmel Church look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Now look at verse one, He writes and says, therefore if there’s any consolation in Christ, if any comfort, if any fellowship. That word, if, is a word, a clause, that actually should be translated. It’s not a conditional word like, if there’s that, then this. The word actually should be used to emphasize.
So, I, Chad Everett, am going to reword it to let you know what he’s talking about and here’s how we could read verse one. Therefore, since there is consolation in Christ, since there’s comfort of love, since there is fellowship of the spirit, since there is affection and mercy. So, it’s not, if they’re there, it’s since they’re there. In this verse, I found five characteristics, five being the number of grace in numerology in the Bible, five characteristics of Jesus. So, in our relationship with Jesus he has all of these five things and because he has all of them for us, he wants us to turn around in the next verses and have them for other people.
So, this is what I’m talking about, this is what we will need to have in our spouse relationship. Now, if you’re, again, if you’re young and you’re not married yet, or you’re, you’re single, you’re divorced, whatever it may be, then you need to be looking for someone that has these characteristics and you need to focus on you first, Mount Carmel Church. We’ll talk about that more in a minute. You can’t change other people. So many times, we’re waiting for the right person and we’re focusing on finding the right person instead of becoming the right person. If I will focus on being a right person, then maybe my relationships might turn out a little bit better. It’s not always them. Anyways, so here’s the five things we find in verse one that Jesus has towards us.
Number one, consolation. This word means speaking to someone, literally giving encouragement, comfort and exhortation. Here’s what Jesus does to us, He speaks encouragement to us, He speaks comfort to us, He speaks exhortation to us. He tells us these things. Jesus is an encourager in our relationship so we need to look for that in our relationships. We need to be an encourager. We need to speak it, not just think it. The Greek word, Paraklesis is talking about you saying something. Here’s a great tip for us to learn in our relationships, if you think good, speak good. If you have a good thought about them, tell them, encourage them.
Too many times in our relationship, we feel awkward about encouraging our spouse. We shouldn’t be awkward about complimenting them. If you’re looking for someone, look for someone who’s not afraid to tell you that you look nice, not afraid to encourage you. See if we’re in a relationship and we cannot encourage one another, if it’s awkward to encourage your spouse, we need to work that out. You need to be able to break through that. Say, baby, you can do it. You’re gonna go have a great day. I believe in you. I’ll tell you ladies, I’ll give you a tip, if you will encourage your husband, tell him how great he is, Be a cheerleader for him. I’ll tell you what, when my wife compliments and says, great things to me, I feel like I could run through a brick wall.
Be an encourager in your relationship. In your marriage relationship, breakthrough the awkward barriers and start telling the other one, I believe in you, Mount Carmel Church I believe you can do it, you’re good, you’re awesome, Gods gonna do something. Come on, you need to encourage one another. God does it to us, Let’s do it to one another, number one, consolation.
Number two, comfort. This is the comfort you feel when consoled in times of disappointment. God is the God of all comfort; this is comfort in love. God’s love for us brings us comfort in a relationship with Jesus. How many knows when you’re going through disappointing times, discouraging times, it’s good to know that God loves you unconditionally. It gives me great comfort to know when I screw up and act a fool that God’s love will be there for me when everybody else leaves me hanging high and dry. His love for me is comfort for me, it’s unconditional. We need to provide this for our spouse, unconditional comfort with our love, that your spouse knows you love them so much that it’s a comfort to them. that even when they’re acting a little bit jacked up, they can be comforted because their spouse loves them.
Your love in your spousal relationship needs to be a comfort for them, not a question mark. Did you catch that? It’s got to be a comfort for them, it’s got to be a warm fuzzy blanket for them, it’s got to be that little snuggly teddy bear. Whatever it is, is that, oh, they love me. It’s got to be a comfort. This is what God gets for us and he wants us to give it to others. Number two or number, it was comfort.
Number three, fellowship. It’s a good one. Fellowship of the spirit. This word fellowship means sharing with one another. It talks about common union. So, God shares everything with us. He doesn’t hold anything back. God is not holding anything back from a secret standpoint. He says in the Bible that things are hidden for us, not hidden from us. So, he shares with us, common union. He doesn’t hold anything back. This is what we have to have in our spouse relationship. We have to share with one another. It’s about participation. It’s not holding secrets, it’s not dividing, it’s not saying this is mine, it’s common union. If we’re going to have successful relationships, we need to share everything. No privates, no secrets.
Total access fellowship. So, you and your spouse, you need to have fellowship with one another, not My stuff and your stuff. It’s all ours, we’re together, common union. We don’t want division and divisive areas. We will say, Hey, what’s mine is yours and what’s yours is mine, not the other way around. You know that old saying, they say, what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. No, no, it’s not how it works. Fellowship, we’ve got to have fellowship sharing with each other.
Number four, we got to have affection, to feel great compassion for deep feelings, not superficial. This is so important. Jesus has deep feelings for us, not superficial stuff. So now this type of protection that the Bible’s talking about, his affection that is not moved by superficial behavior. In other words, God has these deep feelings for me that no matter what I do, it doesn’t change how he feels about me.
He has deep affection for me, Chad Everett. He’s crazy about me, even when I’m crazy, and this is what we should look for in our spouse. Deep affection, not superficial looks, affection, hotness wears off, Mount Carmel Church. There are times you’re not always going to feel it, but this deep affection, you’re looking for this in your spousal relationship, that even when they’re not acting right, even when they’re not treating you right, you have this deep feeling that says, I choose to love you. I’m committed to you. I have deep affection. You can’t move me off of this just because of your superficial behavior, or because you’re not acting right today, or because we’re upset, or just because we’re not agreement. I’ve got affection, the love of God for me, I’m releasing to them, catch that? It’s hard for us in it, but what God is telling us to have this affection.
Last one, he tells us to have mercy. Oh Lord, give me mercy for this one, help Chad Everett with this one, Lord Jesus. Just raise your hand this way. Pity: deep awareness and sympathy for another suffering, empathy, and sensitivity. This is concern. Do you know what, Jesus is concerned about the things that concern you, the things that bother you, God concerns himself with those. It’s not just about church things and you know. whatever you’re thinking about, God wants to be a part of that, He’s concerned. So, in our spouse relationships, having mercy means that I care about what you care about, even if I don’t get it, even if it doesn’t bother me. If it bothers you, I respect your issues, I’m sensitive to you, I show mercy to you. Even if it doesn’t bother me at all. If it bothers you, then I respect you more than I do my preferences.
He’s helping us all right now. He’s helping us. He is, because we’ve got to understand mercy is saying, I have empathy for you. Mount Carmel Church I am sensitive to what bothers you. Instead of only being concerned about what bothers me. I don’t see what the problem is, that didn’t bother me, it shouldn’t bother you. It doesn’t bother me. Good luck in marriage. Sensitive says, did that hurt your feelings? I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it that way. Not, why did you take it that way? I didn’t mean it that way! That’s ridiculous! Sensitive says, Ooh, that that bothered you? I’m sorry, my bad. I didn’t mean that, being sensitive, having mercy.
Philippians 2:2-4/ Have “same” love with others:
So, this is what he’s talking about. Now you’ve got these examples. This is what Jesus has for you. Now he tells us, verse two, fulfill my joy by being like-minded. Oh, okay. We’ve got to think just like Jesus does for us, being like-minded, having the same love. What same love? The same love that he has for us in verse one, where he gives us these five characteristics. He says have that same love being of one accord, in one mind. Verse three, let nothing, everybody say nothing. Let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, let nothing be done for our own self-interests, let nothing be done out of pride, let nothing be done out of manipulation.
Crickets over the crowd. Look what selfish ambition means, this is a person concerned only with his own welfare and self-promotion. I submit that none of us intentionally, Mount Carmel church, I’m going to give us all the benefit of the doubt. None of us intentionally do things out of self-issues or a self-motivation or doing it out of selfish ambition. But there is a place in our life or we want what we want. If we’re totally honest and transparent then we’ve got to watch our motive in that situation. Is it selfish ambition? Is it to promote my way or is it to promote theirs?
Here’s, here’s where the rubber meets the road in our spouse relationship. Deference is about choosing to honor them more than we do ourselves. It’s about saying, hey, let nothing be done through selfish ambition. If we did an honest assessment that nothing, we did with our spouse was ever out of selfish ambition. Anybody want to take that test? That’s going to be a tough day.
Let no words come out of your mouth that are out of selfish ambition. That you’re never trying to manipulate your spouse to do what you want them to do, that you’re never trying to use words to try and convince them. You’re never trying to promote your own agenda. You’re always looking to promote theirs. Man, we got a challenge, but this is what God is telling us. Mount Carmel Church This is how he’s telling us we’re going to have success in our marriage relationship, but he said, let it be done. Look at the end of verse three let nothing be done through selfish ambition or conceit, but in lowliness of mind, let each esteem others better than himself.
Here’s what lowliness of mind means. Lowliness of mind in the literal translation just means humble mindedness. Here’s what it doesn’t mean. Lowliness of mind does not mean that you think of yourself as a worthless piece of trash. Lowliness of mind, here’s how I wrote it out. The best description I could get: appropriate valuation or assessment of oneself from a godly perspective. Mt Carmel Church That’s humility. Humility is not, that I’m nothing. Humility is I am something, and I am what God says I am. I am who he says I am. I am valued the way he’d says I’m valued. That is humble mindedness. when I see myself like God sees me, only then and from that vantage point, when I truly can see myself as God sees me. Then it brings value into me and from that value I can give value.
Where I struggle is when I don’t see myself in a state of value, then I have a hard time giving value, because I’m starving for it myself. When you’re begging for a compliment, how many knows, it’s hard to give one when you’re wishing upon a star that your spouse would finally, if that bothers you, sorry, I didn’t mean to wish upon a star, It’s just a phrase. If you’re begging for your spouse to compliment you one time. They never tell me, I look pretty. They never tell me I look good. They never tell me they’re thankful that I’m working hard on myself. They never tell me this. When you feel that, then it’s very hard for you to tell them, in a genuine heart, how they look. Well, they never tell me, if they’d compliment me more, I’d compliment them. That’s not how it works.
We give first, we esteem others better than ourselves and this is what God’s telling us. He said, listen, listen, I want you to, from a lowliest of mind, I want you to value them. so we got to have the right value about ourselves or I’m going to struggle. Here’s the problem. We don’t get, Oh, here’s where I struggle. Let me just talk to myself for a minute. I struggle when I start to look for my value to come from my spouse. When I get it from God, then I’m not dependent on her to give me what should come from him. Too many times we’re looking for our spouse to give us what we need to get from Jesus. Jesus is the only one that can give you that true ultimate valuation.
This is why I struggle with some cliché things. You know that old movie Jerry McGuire, when they talk about, you complete me? No, people don’t complete you. Jesus completes you, and what you do is you get complete in him and then you find somebody else that’s complete in him, and when you come together, you’re two complete beings. It’s working together, but when you’re two broken people come together and you’re trying to depend on the other one’s brokenness to complete you, It’s a mess. So, this is why, Jesus, you complete me. So that from that completed state, I can be a proper spouse to someone else
So, this is what God’s speaking to us. He said, listen, from lowliness of mind, I want you to esteem others better than yourself. Look, verse four, let each of you look out not only for his own interests, but also for the interests of others. Look out for the interest of others. That word lookout, it’s a cool word, It’s a Greek word skopeo. It’s where we get our word scope, like on a gun or a rifle. You know how you close one eye and you look through a scope? One time I was shooting a high-powered rifle, some of you may know where I’m going with this story, and I’m looking down the barrel and I’ve struggled because my dominant eye is not is my left eye, which I’m right handed, so it makes it really weird for me to shoot. So, I’m looking across using my dominant eye and I’m trying to figure out where it’s at. You know, sometimes in that scope it’s hard to get your depth just right, and so I’m getting there and, and I just pulled the trigger and bam, the scope hit me right above the eye and left a little half-moon cut over my eyebrow. I was trying to scope in on the target, I wasn’t paying attention to everything else. I was trying to scope in, and that’s what he’s saying, I want you to scope in on the interest of others and stop focusing on yourself. Here’s where we get in trouble in marriage, in our spouse relationship, when we focus on the wrong thing, we start focusing on our needs and what they’re not doing. See, right there, that’s something else they’re not doing. See, that right there, That’s another problem of theirs. That’s another problem. I see all their problems. So clearly. How is it that I see their problem so clearly?
How is it that we do that? How is it that we have 20/20 vision seeing their problems, but we get a little foggy when we’re seeing ours, but it’s what happens. Gods saying to you, listen, instead of scoping on their weaknesses, scope on their strengths, focus on the interest of others. Focus on the good things about them, because you don’t want them focusing on your junk. I’m trying. Stop paying attention to that. I’m doing the best I can. Nobody wants anybody focusing on their weaknesses or their problems. I want you to see that I’m trying. We’ll then see that they’re trying. See that their working on it. So now we’re going to esteem others better than ourselves.
Deference is required for intimacy:
So, this is what deference is about, deference is about focusing not on ourselves, but out of that it’s going to help us in our relationship with the spouse. Now deference, here’s another thing it does, it opens the door for intimacy in our marriage. You’re like intimacy? It’s about time.
3 types of intimacy: physical, emotional, spiritual
There are three types of intimacy. Number one, physical intimacy, which is what some people thought of immediately when I use the word intimacy, they think about physical intimacy or sexual relationship. That is the lowest form of intimacy, physical intimacy is the lowest form, anybody can do that. You don’t even have to like each other and you can have that. Mount Carmel church, the fact that we use the word intimacy with sex is even questionable because it’s really an insult on the word of intimacy, but that’s another topic we’ll talk about.
Number two, emotional intimacy. Emotional intimacy is where you have the freedom to speak what’s on your heart. You share your thoughts and your feelings, that’s emotional intimacy, that I can tell you whatever I’m feeling and it’s safe.
Number three is Spiritual intimacy. Spiritual intimacy is the highest or the deepest level of intimacy. Whichever way you want to compare it, it is the most valuable form of intimacy, spiritual intimacy between a man and a woman. So, what I’m going to give you today is that there are four essential elements of intimacy that I think we’re going to help us in our relationships, and I hope that you pay attention to these and grasp these, these four elements.
- elements of intimacy: Value, Energy, Sacrifice, Trust
1.Value 2. Energy 3. Sacrifice 4. Trust. Intimacy in our marriage, whether it’s physical, emotional, or spiritual. All three of them. None of them happen by accident. So, if you’re struggling in intimacy, in your marriage, and again, some of you thinking immediately, yes, my sex life is not. No. You need to think deeper than that first. That’s the one that will respond to the other two. You get the other two right, that one will come around. If you focus on that one, the other two will suffer and that one will never come around. I’m helping somebody. Spiritual intimacy first, relationship with God, understanding emotional intimacy, and then you will not have a problem with the third with physical intimacy. Some of you don’t believe me, but okay, so notice what I did here with the four elements of intimacy, you have to invest in your relationship.
INVEST- (I)ntimacy (N)ecessitates (V)alue (E)nergy (S)acrifice (T)rust
So, here’s what we did. The acronym Intimacy Necessitates Value, Energy, Sacrifice and Trust. Invest. Put that down. If you’re going to grow in your relationship with your spouse, you’re going to have to invest in it. It’s going to take all these things. So, let’s break them down one at a time.
Really value, what does value mean? Value Means I value your thoughts. Your thoughts are important to me. You’ve got to value your spouse. If you don’t value them, don’t be shocked when your relationship is not what it should be. You’ve got to value them. You got to value what they think. You’ve got to value what their opinions are, Mount Carmel Church. If you’re looking for a spouse, make sure you’re looking for someone who values your opinion. If you’re in a relationship with a guy and he never asked you what you think about something, be careful, he may not care. If you’re in a relationship and no one respects or values your emotions or values who you are, you need to understand, value is saying you are important. What you think is important, your opinion on this matter, it matters to me. So, tell me, what do you think, honey? Tell me what you think, your opinion matters, I value you. Someone who is valued will rise to the surface. We will bring people up from the value. Here’s what that means also that means, I’m here for you, not you’re here for me. When you value someone, you say, I’m here for you. You’re valuable to me. If something’s valuable, do you take care of it? Do you know where it is? You’re protecting it, you make sure it doesn’t get broken. You handle it with care. Well, Let’s value our relationship. That’s the first one, value.
Number two, energy. Marriage takes work. I don’t know, maybe you’ve heard this before? Stop me if you’ve heard this, men and women tend to view the world from different perspectives. Have you noticed that? I don’t think I’m alone in that. Men and women tend to look at things from different perspective. So, in other words, for us to function then in our marriage relationship, we’re going to have to use some energy. We’re going to have to work at it because, Mount Carmel church, Peter says this in 1 Peter 3, he says, husbands, dwell with your wives with understanding. Paul had some great things to say about marriage in Ephesians 5, we talked about it, but Peter, I liked, because Peter was actually married. Paul wasn’t married. So, Peter says, dwell with your wives with understanding, what that means, is you need to learn to understand them. I didn’t say always agree with them, I said understand them. There’s a big difference. We get in too many fights because we’re trying to always agree. We need to learn to understand where they’re coming from and that word understand means to literally investigate them, get to know them.
Ladies, make the guy work to get to know you, make him more to get to know you, your preferences, how you think, how you operate, how you feel about things. You see, we’ve got to learn that we’ve got to know each other. If I don’t get to know them, then how will I know what they want? How will I know how to operate with them? Husbands dwell with understanding, so there’s some times you’re not going to get it, but at least you understand it. I live in a house with five women and over the course of my life I’ve understood this one thing, is that certain things they look at a little bit different than me. There are times that something will come up, a situation come up and I’ll be like, yeah, really, really you, you get that out of that. That’s, that’s, that’s what you, wow.
Okay. I didn’t see that, at all, now it doesn’t mean they were wrong. I used to think it meant they were wrong. I used to think, man, God, can we just fix them? I don’t know what happened, they got broke somehow, but God, if you will fix them. I used to think that, but now what I’ve understood is they’ve got a different perspective and that if I will understand them. Oh, here’s the kicker, I don’t have time to go into details, but we’ve got to remember God created male and female, both of them came from God. So, part of God, he put in a male, part of God, He put in a female. So sometimes when my wife sees things from a different perspective, she still seeing it from God’s perspective. Sometimes when we’re thinking, man, we’re trying to figure something out. Mount Carmel Church We’re asking God, we’re praying about, I just can’t figure it out, and your wife comes in, totally out of left field, gives this weird perspective and says, well honey, have you ever thought about this?
Ah, what are you talking about? That doesn’t make any sense to me. Well, it could be God, it could be God saying, hello, this is me talking to you and you’re waiting to get it in prayer and God says, I’m telling it to you from your wife. It works both ways. Maybe you’re not seeing something, from a certain perspective, and your husband comes in and says, hey ABC, this what needs to happen. You’re like, stop trying to fix everything, right? Or whatever. I mean, sometimes it could be God, and so we’ve got to understand that, about dwelling with understanding with each other. So now that was energy. It takes energy and let’s go to the next one.
The next one is sacrifice. We need to sacrifice our need to be right. To be healthy in our marriage relationship, let’s go ahead and just put that on the altar. Sacrifice you’re need to be right, sacrifice you’re need to win an argument. I struggle with this part because, Mount Carmel Church I’m a debater, by nature. I’m always searching for, there is always a right answer to everything, there is, in my mind. There’s gotta be a right answer here. So, I will spend whatever amount of energy to find that right answer. I will use whatever amount of words I need to use, I’m a wordy person, I like to talk things out. I like to get something out there on the table and I’m like, get a fork and a knife and let’s get it. Come on, let’s go! Dawn Everett is not like that, she’s not like that. She looks at the same problem that I look at and I’m like, yeah, let’s do this and that, and it could be that, it could be this, and she goes, I dunno. I don’t know. That’s, that’s all you got? Yeah. I want to win; I want to get the right answer. Here’s the problem, sometimes winning, is keeping your mouth shut and letting something go. Sometimes it’s not saying, you know what? We’re going to fix this right now. Sometimes it’s saying, you know what, baby, push that out of the way. I love you, and that doesn’t matter, so, I don’t know either. When inside, I’m like, I know. Oh, I know, but I don’t know, yes, I do. It’s like I got these voices talking to me. Sacrifice. Sometimes you got to sacrifice your way for the sake of the good. It’s not about me. It’s not about, it’s gotta be my way, sometimes it’s just, you know what? Let’s do it your way.
Last one is trust. You’ve got to have trust in your relationship. Here’s Adam and Eve, In the beginning, in the garden, remember they were naked and unashamed. Oh, those were the good old days and they were, oh, there’s always a little delay on that response. Is he saying? Yes. Trust is an atmosphere in your relationship when your spouse doesn’t feel like anything’s hidden. It’s exposed. I can be naked before you physically or emotionally or spiritually. I can give you everything that I have and I’m not worried that you’re going to abuse it. You need trust in your relationship. Your wife needs to be able to tell you whatever, and you not run her down before she even gets the last sentence out. Your husband needs to be able to tell you whatever, and you not cut him off before he even finished talking.
We need trust in our relationships. I trust you. I mean, it’s no hidden passwords, no hidden Facebook accounts, no hidden ghost accounts, no hidden anything. Transparency, transparency. Say, baby, I have nothing to hide. Here’s my phone, take it, look at it, whatever you want. If your spouse can’t have the password to your phone, there’s a problem. If your spouse can have access to your accounts, your social media accounts, there’s a problem. We need to have total transparency and trust. Say, here it is, anytime. Set it there, you can open it up, look through it all you want, I have nothing to hide. It will save our relationships. Open up your hearts, I want trust in my life. Defer to them.
Ten common marriage myths:
Let me close with this. Mount Carmel Church I’m gonna run through these quickly, but I feel like it’s important for me to give us, given to us 10 marriage myths that I know we’re going to help you get. I’m not gonna preach on each one of these. I’m just going to give them, there’s no particular order. Number one, this is a marriage myth. If I married the right person, I should always feel in love. It’s a myth. You’re not always going to feel in love. Sometimes people are looking for this soul mate out there, this perfect soulmate. I realize you can marry the wrong person, like I get, but I’m talking about we are too many times, looking for our feelings to confirm something that our love should be deciding. You’re not always going to feel like you’re incredible every day. You’re not going to never have disagreements or, you’re never going to have issues or problems. It’s not a marriage fairy tale. Here’s what I said. The truth is, that strong marriages are built on love and commitment, not just compatibility.
Number two, if my spouse really loves me, he or she will be willing to change. Remember, it’s never your job to fix or change your spouse. It’s your job to love your spouse. Let God change them. You know who you can change in your marriage relationship? Very good, You, you can change you. I can change me and this is hard for me at times, where I was like, God, can you, can you help her to stop doing this or can you help her to start doing this? She just needs to do this better. She needs to stop doing that, and God said, you know, Mount Carmel church, so that’s, that’s uh, that’s none of your business.
What do you mean it’s none of my business? Your business is how you treat her. It’s none of your business, how she treats you, the nerve of God, right? It’s God’s business how my wife treats me. I can’t fix that. I can’t change that. So, don’t try and fix your spouse. Fix you. Be a better you. Humble, lowliness of mind. Esteem others better than yourself.
Next one, my friends know me, so they’re always the best, best place to get my marriage advice. We can just laugh on that one and move on if we need to. Let me just say it this way. Find someone that’s been married longer than a week and a half. Find someone older that you can use as a mentor and look at their life. Say, I want a marriage like yours because someone who’s been there and that bought the tee shirt. They’ve been the roller coaster ride there. They’re the person you want to get advice from. I’m not saying that young people can’t know, I’m just saying they’re working on a limited amount of experience. You want someone who’s been there for the long haul that you say, okay, how do you do this at 50 years in? I’ve only been at this 21 year, I’m fairly a rookie, someone that it’s been 60 years, that’s three times me. I believe they got some experience that I could learn from.
Number four, just because I’m married doesn’t mean I can’t keep secrets and have personal privacy. We talked about that, nothing’s secret. Get it all out in the open when you’re married, nothing’s hidden. Mount Carmel Church They should have access to everything.
Number five, my parents raised me so my loyalty is to them and it should be stronger than my loyalty to my spouse. No, once you get married, I love my children, I want my girls to think I’m the best thing in the world. I want them to always come to me. But I know there’s coming a day that I’m going to walk them down the aisle and I’m gonna, I’m gonna give them, to that awesome man.
I’m serious, he is, because I pray for him every single day. I don’t know who he is, but I pray for him every single day and I know there’s gonna be a time, but when I do that, then now I become second place to him. It’s going to be hard. It’s gonna be hard, but don’t let your parents come in between you and your spouse. Don’t let there be negative words go to your parents about your spouse. Defend them, honor them, protect them. Keep this tight. Mom, Dad, I love you, but don’t ever talk bad about my spouse. I love you, but don’t talk bad about them, I guard them, I protect them, even if I agree with you in some way, I’m guarding them. I’m protecting them. I’m just throwing out some nuggets for you, that might help you. I pray, God, help us all.
Number six, I shouldn’t have to tell my spouse what’s wrong. If he or she was paying attention, they should know. Ha, ha, ha. Do I even have to explain that one? They should know. No, they shouldn’t. Here’s my number one marriage law. I started giving this, I don’t know if this is good. I love you baby, If you’re watching. I started giving this early and I said, it is illegal. It’s against the marriage law to complain about what you won’t communicate. It’s against the law. If you will not communicate it, do not complain about it. Well, they should tell by my aura. You know that look, you’re giving, you’re like trying to send all kinds of messages. Use this message send-er right here, Mount Carmel church, send it, by that. That annoys the fire out of me. When you do that, it’s a whole lot better than is something wrong? Nope, nothing. Why do we laugh? Because it’s real, so don’t, don’t try and pretend. Just tell them.
Number seven, as long as I don’t commit adultery, I should be able to do anything I want, to get my sexual needs met. We went from laughing to something right here, I’m gonna drop a bomb in your lap. I’ll give you some statistics, right now, Barna research, six out of 10 men currently struggle with pornography. I’m not talking about heathens outside of church either, I’m talking about in the church. 6 out of 10, you’re like, well, I’m not, that’s great, but we need to understand something. Whenever we replace our spouse with another person, either virtually, physically or mentally, we are pursuing pleasure at the expense of our marriage.
This legalized prostitution and objectifying of women, it’s labeled as entertainment now, is robbing us of sensuality in our marriages. 95% of kids will be exposed to porn before they’re 18, 95%. 10 years old is the average age of first exposure to pornography, 10! I could take you to the place, the very place. I can tell you the name of the magazine. I know exactly where it was when I first had a friend say, hey, look at this. Now. They don’t have to do that. All we have to do is have a smart phone and go, Hey, look at that, and in that moment all innocence is gone.
This is what’s happening. So, men or women do not be deceived by the lie that says pornography will enhance our sexual relationship. It will not. It will destroy it. Glamour magazine, did a report and It said 97% of women expressed some level of insecurity about their appearance, 97%, it is probably a little higher than that, and whenever you look at porn, you say, I’m not hurting anybody, I’m not doing anything, I’m just looking. You’re hurting yourself first and then you are robbing your spouse, again, man or woman, you’re robbing and your spouse of their value. You’re saying, whether you mean to say this or not, you’re saying, you’re not enough for me. I’ve got to look at this to get my pleasure, I’ve got to look at this. So now they look at that and they say, well what, what about me? So, I guess I’m there.
So now what you’re doing is you’re what you think you’re doing to help yourself. It’s only making your case even worse. Cause if someone who feels that way, you think they’re going to open up to you and say, hey baby, or they’re gonna say, uh, uh, why don’t you go look at your pictures some more. It’s robbing us, we’ve got to get it out. Six out of ten, six out of ten men, come on. I know it’s not something we want to talk about a lot. I know it’s something difficult, but we got to say no, we got to say, that’s not going to fulfill me. That’s not going to help me. That’s the devil tried to steal from our relationship, and we got to say, no. Throw away devices. Open up your passwords. Say, honey, here you are. Whatever I need to do, it’s killing us. Get it out of our life.
Number nine our kids need us so they should always come before our marriage. I love my kids. Love your kids, but your kids should never come between you and your spouse. It’s a marriage myth. Mount Carmel Church Be careful that you may have an empty nest someday and also an empty marriage. Don’t choose your kids over your spouse. I love mine. They’re awesome, they’re wonderful, but they’re always second fiddle to my wife. Like, Hey, uh, whatever mom wants, that’s what happens. That’s because you’re going to be out of here someday. I’ve got to take care of this one.
Number 10 lastly, we’ll close with this one. If things aren’t working out in the marriage, I would probably be better off with somebody else. Again, no condemnation to those that have had a divorced situation because I realize it takes two to tango. Not Everything is, you can do everything that you can sometimes and not be able to save a marriage. I’m just speaking to people that sometimes they think the grass is always greener, but sometimes I find a better person, somebody would do better to me. Let’s each esteem others better than ourselves. It’s not focused on their weaknesses because that other person that you’re looking at and you’re focusing on their strengths right now, guess what? They’ve got weaknesses. All you can see as their strengths, but you get a little closer and you’ll start seeing their weaknesses. One thing I like about my marriage right now, it’s like knowing where a minefield is, I know where the mines are. I just walk around some of them, don’t go there, yes, don’t go there. Okay. Yeah, let’s not talk about that yet. I moved, but you go into a new relationship. You don’t know where those mines are.
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